Feline
Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying
mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat,
in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible
for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to
do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along
and take out something good to eat.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable
spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the
cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-
section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Recently in Kittenforest...
"???"
"Hey, do you see what I see?!?"
"Quick, everyone! Get up the tree..."
"...there´s that woman with the brush again!"
(Pictures by Ina Zahlten)
The Feline Diet
Most
diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For
those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the
new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for
cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps --
most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet
will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this
diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel
better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food.
Good
Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long
as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat
1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other
room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on
the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one
wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's
plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other
half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can
you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock
it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the
corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part
of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one
bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play
toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to
escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or
beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge
of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as
you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's
cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest
polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top
of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured
but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal
with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a
bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on
the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of
legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw
the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin
across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor
that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off
all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING
YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat
to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill
from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with
lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head
just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour
1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Cat
Translations
Miaow
Feed me.
Meeow
Pet me.
Mrooww
I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo
I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the
hedge. Don't wait up.
Mrow
I feel like making noise.
Rrrow-mawww
Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box
Rrrow-miawww
I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the
contents as far out of the box as was practical.
Miaowmiaow
Play with me
Miaowmioaw
Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this
room?
Mioawmioaw
Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see
what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture
Raowwwww
I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts
of my anatomy.
Mrowwwww
I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private
parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww
I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both
arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and
attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Gakk-ak-ak
My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball.
Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the
carpeting.
Mow
Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww
Shedding is pretty good too
Mowww!
I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean
laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow!
I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his
body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer
filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult
to navigate.
Mraakk!
Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
SsssRoww!
I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
Mmmrowmmm
It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have
caught yourself.
Mmmmmmm
If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I
shall be satisfied.
Mreoaw
Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.
Mreeeow
Do you serve catnip with that?
Mroow
I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look
cute. How am I doing?
Miaooww! Mriaow!
Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you
understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.
Smart Cats
Four people were
bragging about how smart their cats are. The first was an Engineer, the
second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a
Government Worker.
To show off, the
Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed
that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went
out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them
into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed
that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a
drop.
Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three men turned to the government Worker and
said,"What can your cat do?".
The Government
Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped
to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper,
screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing
so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick
leave.
